I've been back home for about a month now and....well, it doesn't really feel like home.
My sister and I used to share a room in our apartment and after I left to go to school she kind of took over.
When I returned after graduation I felt so out of place. She's painted the walls, she's taken up most of the closet, she has nearly all the draw space, there's only one bed...
I think you can understand why I felt I didn't belong as I struggled to store the remnants of my life for the past four years (most of which was thrown away, given away, left behind, or lost anyway).
I broke down.
Back at St. Lawrence, at least during my final year there, I had a sense of belonging. I lived in a townhouse with all of my best friends, each of us had our own room, our own private space.
To now come back to a place where I had nothing that belonged to me, that could be mine--my space--it hurt. I'm sorry if that sounds spoiled, or selfish, or whatever--but it really hurt. I felt like I had the world, I had everything in life I ever wanted--and in an instant it was all ripped away from me.
I felt homeless. I really felt like a stray.
I guess that's what I get for calling myself that.
I made do living in my brother's room since he goes to school away and hasn't returned yet.
I still didn't feel like I really belonged since I new this wasn't my room but someone else's but it was okay...
Now he's coming back home and I'm back to where I began. Distraught, lonely, feeling abandoned, hating where I am.
As I struggled to find a someway to wedge myself in here dark thoughts overcame me. I became so angry at my mother and sister. I just wanted to leave. I didn't care where, I just wanted to leave and never come back here. If I wasn't going to get the same privileges that everyone else in the family gets--then why should I stay? Especially when I knew of other people who would gladly make the space for me without thinking twice.
I was so enraged and worked out I had to take a break.
I sat down at my computer and woke up the screen.
Skype was up and read "4444gggggggggvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvx2 is not on your contact list."
I was stunned.
"Forgive x2," my brain translated it to mean.
The logical explanation for this would be that my cat once again stepped up on my keyboard to try and get at my hamster...
But...that doesn't explain the coincidence does it? As most logical answers seldom do...
Why those characters? Why in that order? Why in the instant where I needed to snap out of it the most?
I am not stubborn or dense enough to not know a sign when it's sitting there, right in front of me, staring me in the face.
Forgive x2.
My anger at my mother and sister dissipated slowly but surely. I knew that it wasn't their fault, that they never had any intention of making me feel as horrible as this situation has made me feel. True, changes were going to have to be made, but things were going to have to be settled civilly.
So now I'm taking a breath, trying to compose myself. And I'm going to try to live up to my title as "Expert Problem Solver" and do my best to find a solution for all of this...without placing blame on anyone.
At least I'll try.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Robert Frost
"Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. "
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. "
"Hamlet" (Shakespeare)
"Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind"
"You cannot take from me any thing that I will not more willingly part withal--except my life"
"...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
"You cannot take from me any thing that I will not more willingly part withal--except my life"
"...there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
"Big Love" (Play)
"Sometimes people don’t want to fall in love. Because when you love someone it’s too late to set conditions. You can’t say I’ll love you if you do this or I’ll love you if you change that because you can’t help yourself and then you have to live with whoever it is you fall in love with however they are and just put up with the difficulties you’ve made for yourself because true love has no conditions. That’s why it’s so awful to fall in love."
"2 Faces of my Girlfriend" (Korean Movie)
"Why is love like raindrops outside a window? Because they evaporate! Not only do they evaporate, but they leave stains behind."
Unknown
"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future"
"Guerillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle" (Book)
"Loosen my grip
on those grudges and grievances I hold so closely, that I may risk exposing myself to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage."
on those grudges and grievances I hold so closely, that I may risk exposing myself to the spirit of forgiving and forgiveness that changes things and resurrects dreams and courage."
"Love and Other Disasters" (Movie)
"Maybe true love is a decision. You know, a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody without worrying if they're going to really hurt you or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you. Maybe it's something you have to choose."
"True love is a process, not an event."
"True love is a process, not an event."
Gloria Searson
"Even though you're not where you want to be, at least you're not where you were."
"The things that aren't working help motivate me."
"The things that aren't working help motivate me."
Why don't black men date black women?
The following conversation was a debate responding to these two articles.
It's something I feel passionately about which is why I'm posting it here.
Here are the articles we were responding to:
http://theybf.com/2010/06/01/chad-ocho-cinco-johnson-no-black-girls-on-my-dating-show
http://theybf.com/2010/06/07/slim-thug-talks-ish-about-black-women-is-a-publicity-slut-while-doing-so
"OKAY I'm going to try and be as uhm....academic as possible even though these type of....incidents make me want to severely hurt people, but anyway.
I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll start with those articles you posted. Situations such as these are not uncommon. I am sad to say that I have known and been with black men who openly admit they would not date black women, stating that black women were simply, "not their type." And their type? Skinny, light-skinned, long hair, shorter than them. I detested the fact that I was a "type," a category of female that was acceptable. But, whether it be my own low self esteem at the time, or my bewitched enchantment with them, I typically let it go--though I would always state that I didn't agree.
Reflecting on the matter I have come to just feel sorry for these men. Sure the statements are shallow, and hateful, and hurtful, but they all stem from their own insecurities with themselves, their skin color, their race.
They are doing what they need to do to be accepted as members in American society. These actions against black women are symptoms of the internalized racism that pollutes the lifeblood of this country. If they were to "be with" a black woman, however that may be, they'd forever be black. By "being with" light skinned women they are somehow elevated, better than black, moving up in society.
Why black men more than black women? Well that could be because black men have already increasingly been accepted into the higher ranks of society. Athletes, actors, rappers, singers; black men have really begun to make a name for themselves in our culture. Black women on the other hand...have not seen so successful.
All popular and successful black women are, for the most part, are exploited--seen as sexual objects rather than equal human beings to men. This mars the reputation of black women as a whole. They have no real voice in the media.
Think about it--how many famous females can you think of that aren't sexualized in some way or another? Even in the case of the Madea plays and movies, that encourage women to be their own person, we must take pause because they are written and acted out by a man.
Until black women can share similar successes in the media and society as black men without being hyper-sexualized black men will always rank higher than black women and feel more entitled to assimilate into society.
This is all just theory and speculation of course as I have not done any research but am quite a silent observer. :) It also helps that I'm not bound to any one race so everything to me is very objective.
As for the issue of the "black woman's attitude" I think that's just a load of bullshit. Oh excuse me, I was keeping this academic, wasn't I?
If women of color (and I'm making this more general now because hispanic women are accused of having attitude problems as well, but since we are more accepted by society we get away with it just a little bit easier) have an attitude, I blame impoverished communities. Think about the neighborhoods most people of color are in. Generally speaking, we don't typically break the upper-middle class layer, do we? I mean, let's be honest now, okay? In impoverished, urban communities women are made targets of DAILY. If we have attitudes or a low bullshit tolerance it's because we HAVE TO in order to SURVIVE. Women who aren't strong-willed and opinionated get hurt and taken advantage of period. Being a good girl is not rewarded in these communities, in fact it is punished. Maybe I am speaking to generally here, but from my own experience I can honestly say being the bad bitch over the good wife is the only way to preserve yourself--and your sanity.
In any case, why is this something that we are discouraging in young women? What is this the 1950's? Cook, clean, and take care of you? What are women now expected to be Stepford Wives now? Dear Slim Thug, why don't you go suck that sick dick and call it a day okay, you sexist, misogynist, limp dick mother fucker. (So much for keeping this academic)
Ladies, ladies, ladies, of course they want you to tune your attitude down--they're scared! Women are mentally stronger than men, always have been and they know it--that's why women have been oppressed for so long. Now if women start speaking their minds and standing up for their rights and resisting control, how ever are the men going to stay in power?
Power.
This issue is one I think may even be truer than assimilation. Men subconsciously or consciously desire power, I believe it's in their nature--though I could be wrong. Black men have it rough because they don't have many opportunities for power in this society. So, it is not so unreasonable to believe that they'd want to be the one in power in their relationships---and being with a strong woman doesn't really leave much of a chance at being the one in control.
Power is probably also the reason why black women are so, stereotypically speaking, loud. Their pride, their voices, their confidence--this is the only sure fire way a black woman can obtain power.
Go for it girls, I say. Though I'd like to stress there is a fine line between confidence and belligerence and I'd really wish more people were aware of that--but that's a different topic all together.
I'd also like to say that people of color, in general, need to really stop picking on each other and stand together--especially in the black community. Together we stand, divided we fall--why can't we get this through our thick skulls? Stop judging people because they are lighter or darker skinned. Stop thinking you know somebody based on where they're from, or how they dress, or how they talk, you don't. These superficial judgments are killing allies and delaying change. Just fucking quit it already.
OH and on a personal non-academic note, I think everyone should date people a different race than them anyway because mixed people are the future of the planet. There won't BE any black or white or purple in a few more generations.
Yeah. I'm the shit."
Some guy said something about not wanting to deal with black women because they don't want to better themselves and they all have babies and they're all on welfare and they're too much drama............and then ended by saying that black women are queens or some shit.
So...
"That's another thing that pisses me off. All these men saying they respect women and treasure women and in the same sentence degrade them. It has become so natural to be prejudice against women people aren't even conscious of doing it."
Then he tried to correct himself by saying "most"
So....
"I think by even saying "most blacks" this or "most blacks" that you are still victim blaming; it is also focusing on a symptom of a much larger, much more dangerous problem. It IS the government. It IS the education system. It IS the culture. The media. The society. The very way we are brought up to think. It is all that. Internalized ... See Moreracism is so deeply embedded into our psyches that we don't even realize it's there. Whites don't have to openly oppress people of color anymore because we so openly and willingly do it to ourselves--especially by using statements like "most blacks blahblahblah, but not me."
Let me try to break this down category by category.
It is the government's fault because in the past the government aided IN the oppression of people of color and has done little in the present to make up for that. Then when they DO establish programs and resources to make amends for that fact, such as HEOP, EOP, and other such programs, they ABANDON THEM and neglect them in favor of putting their money towards war; killing over creating, wealth over human prosperity.
In addition to that the government does little to close the economic gap between the rich and the poor. In fact, it's support of big business over the small timers aids in the increasing separation of financial classes; the rich just keep getting richer and the poor just keep getting poorer.
It is the education system's fault because they know people are going to slip through the cracks yet they allow it, deeming those that are studious and accomplished "worthy," and anyone who fails losers, failures, worthless. The entire education system as a whole from K - College is in desperate need of revamping. Time and time again the methods of teaching that are used in schools are proven obsolete and ineffective yet they are used anyway. Why?
Everyone knows the education system is an utter failure. It doesn't take much for the everyday person to see it, so why can't the government see it? Why can't the high ups see it? The answer is that they DO. They know it doesn't work and they set us up for failure.
The sad honest truth is that they WANT us to stay dumb. This is the way it has been throughout history. The uneducated are easy to rule over, to control, the educated and opinionated--not so much. This goes back to my argument over power and shutting down the confident black woman. The gov doesn't want to deal with people who can think critically, analyze situations, and formulate their own opinions. They just want to play the role of herder, while we act as the sheep.
Many men of color start college, but few actually finish it. Whereas the number of women attending and completing college increases every year. So maybe someone would like to retract that little comment about "most" black women not wanting to get educated and better themselves, HMM?
It is ESPECIALLY the media's fault because it brainwashes us daily with blatant racist material. Think about it. How many ways are white people portrayed? How many different personalities can they have? Appearances can they have? Positions can they have? Indeed, there is no one representation of whites. There is no white caricature. Now look at the representation of blacks and other minorities. How many different ways do they get portrayed? How many different personality types do they have? How often are they perpetuated is ignorant, uneducated, short tempered, aggressive, on the outskirts, of the law, and the butt of jokes that undermine their intelligence? I tell you it's more often than whites. And we as the audience have learned to accept it because we have been made to believe that that's "just how black people are." Well...if white people aren't just one way, why should we be made to believe that black people are? Why are whites allowed complex multidimensional personalities and lives, while blacks can be summed up in a few sentences?
There is no other word to describe it except as brainwashing. And to make statements like "most blacks" without looking at the situation critically from all angles accept your mental scrubbing.
It's hard to say cut out the media, but I just wish people would be more wary.
It is the people's fault too, but I am not so prepared to really blame them because--how could you teach yourself something you yourself have never learned? So this is tough ground to tread on. It is certainly the fault of the educated who turn their noses on their people and their communities once they get out rather than go back and educate others. We are at war. Not many people realize this, but we are at war. Our minds, our future's, our children's futures--all of this is at stake. We must band together. We must fight together. Like I said before, stop blaming each other. Saying the problem is someone else's and separating yourself apart from it you are setting yourself, and others like you, up for failure. WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER. WE HAVE TO. Nobody puts blacks down better than other blacks! The fact that black men refuse black women is HARD EVIDENCE of this fact! WHY? Blacks are only hurting themselves by doing this. Only exposing their own self hatred and prejudices. Only dooming themselves. I said it before and I'll say it again; united we stand, divided we fall. Stop turning your back on your people. Stop judging them. Accept them as you wish to be accepted. We need to lift our people up, not knock them down further. This dog-eat-dog mentality plagues and kills the black community. The black community needs to learn to be just that--A COMMUNITY, a union of people who care about and support each other!
There is absolutely NO justification for black men to disregard and degrade black women. NONE. NEVER. It's hypocritical to want to fight for equality and then turn around and oppress someone else. It's pure bullshit plane and simple and, though I may have grudgingly tolerated in the past when I was young and stupid, I can never and well never accept it ever again.
I may have jested before about races mixing, but I mean it seriously. Black women. If you are unhappy you should never have to settle for someone just because they are available and your race. You doom yourself to a sad future. You're worth more and if a man can't understand that (not just a black man, any man), then look for someone better. There are men of worth out there, you just need to look with colorblind eyes. There are men out there who don't just SAY they respect women and SAY that women are worth more, their thoughts and actions follow through with every statement. It's hard to distinguish those that "say" from those that "do," but they're there.
Try not to a let events from the past or prejudices bitter your judgment though. Have faith in people. Trust a little. Give people a chance. You will get hurt, true, but you will also allow yourself the chance to find true love.
Hiding, hating, guarding yourself, that's easy--especially if you've been hurt before. But going out there, trusting, loving, letting go--that's hard. Be strong. Everything worth having in life calls for a fight.
And I know good men exist because I have one of the best ♥ XD"
I'd like to add a little disclaimer. I, to, make the mistake of overgeneralizing in this debate. The issues addressed, I believe, have more to do with privilege and socio-economic status than they do to race. I also admit that in the heat of the moment I played a little tit-for-tat about black men and black women.
I am actually a very big advocate for the rights of men of colour as well.
As I mentioned this issue isn't it's own problem.. It's a symptom of a greater more deadly problem.
It's something I feel passionately about which is why I'm posting it here.
Here are the articles we were responding to:
http://theybf.com/2010/06/01/chad-ocho-cinco-johnson-no-black-girls-on-my-dating-show
http://theybf.com/2010/06/07/slim-thug-talks-ish-about-black-women-is-a-publicity-slut-while-doing-so
"OKAY I'm going to try and be as uhm....academic as possible even though these type of....incidents make me want to severely hurt people, but anyway.
I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll start with those articles you posted. Situations such as these are not uncommon. I am sad to say that I have known and been with black men who openly admit they would not date black women, stating that black women were simply, "not their type." And their type? Skinny, light-skinned, long hair, shorter than them. I detested the fact that I was a "type," a category of female that was acceptable. But, whether it be my own low self esteem at the time, or my bewitched enchantment with them, I typically let it go--though I would always state that I didn't agree.
Reflecting on the matter I have come to just feel sorry for these men. Sure the statements are shallow, and hateful, and hurtful, but they all stem from their own insecurities with themselves, their skin color, their race.
They are doing what they need to do to be accepted as members in American society. These actions against black women are symptoms of the internalized racism that pollutes the lifeblood of this country. If they were to "be with" a black woman, however that may be, they'd forever be black. By "being with" light skinned women they are somehow elevated, better than black, moving up in society.
Why black men more than black women? Well that could be because black men have already increasingly been accepted into the higher ranks of society. Athletes, actors, rappers, singers; black men have really begun to make a name for themselves in our culture. Black women on the other hand...have not seen so successful.
All popular and successful black women are, for the most part, are exploited--seen as sexual objects rather than equal human beings to men. This mars the reputation of black women as a whole. They have no real voice in the media.
Think about it--how many famous females can you think of that aren't sexualized in some way or another? Even in the case of the Madea plays and movies, that encourage women to be their own person, we must take pause because they are written and acted out by a man.
Until black women can share similar successes in the media and society as black men without being hyper-sexualized black men will always rank higher than black women and feel more entitled to assimilate into society.
This is all just theory and speculation of course as I have not done any research but am quite a silent observer. :) It also helps that I'm not bound to any one race so everything to me is very objective.
As for the issue of the "black woman's attitude" I think that's just a load of bullshit. Oh excuse me, I was keeping this academic, wasn't I?
If women of color (and I'm making this more general now because hispanic women are accused of having attitude problems as well, but since we are more accepted by society we get away with it just a little bit easier) have an attitude, I blame impoverished communities. Think about the neighborhoods most people of color are in. Generally speaking, we don't typically break the upper-middle class layer, do we? I mean, let's be honest now, okay? In impoverished, urban communities women are made targets of DAILY. If we have attitudes or a low bullshit tolerance it's because we HAVE TO in order to SURVIVE. Women who aren't strong-willed and opinionated get hurt and taken advantage of period. Being a good girl is not rewarded in these communities, in fact it is punished. Maybe I am speaking to generally here, but from my own experience I can honestly say being the bad bitch over the good wife is the only way to preserve yourself--and your sanity.
In any case, why is this something that we are discouraging in young women? What is this the 1950's? Cook, clean, and take care of you? What are women now expected to be Stepford Wives now? Dear Slim Thug, why don't you go suck that sick dick and call it a day okay, you sexist, misogynist, limp dick mother fucker. (So much for keeping this academic)
Ladies, ladies, ladies, of course they want you to tune your attitude down--they're scared! Women are mentally stronger than men, always have been and they know it--that's why women have been oppressed for so long. Now if women start speaking their minds and standing up for their rights and resisting control, how ever are the men going to stay in power?
Power.
This issue is one I think may even be truer than assimilation. Men subconsciously or consciously desire power, I believe it's in their nature--though I could be wrong. Black men have it rough because they don't have many opportunities for power in this society. So, it is not so unreasonable to believe that they'd want to be the one in power in their relationships---and being with a strong woman doesn't really leave much of a chance at being the one in control.
Power is probably also the reason why black women are so, stereotypically speaking, loud. Their pride, their voices, their confidence--this is the only sure fire way a black woman can obtain power.
Go for it girls, I say. Though I'd like to stress there is a fine line between confidence and belligerence and I'd really wish more people were aware of that--but that's a different topic all together.
I'd also like to say that people of color, in general, need to really stop picking on each other and stand together--especially in the black community. Together we stand, divided we fall--why can't we get this through our thick skulls? Stop judging people because they are lighter or darker skinned. Stop thinking you know somebody based on where they're from, or how they dress, or how they talk, you don't. These superficial judgments are killing allies and delaying change. Just fucking quit it already.
OH and on a personal non-academic note, I think everyone should date people a different race than them anyway because mixed people are the future of the planet. There won't BE any black or white or purple in a few more generations.
Yeah. I'm the shit."
Some guy said something about not wanting to deal with black women because they don't want to better themselves and they all have babies and they're all on welfare and they're too much drama............and then ended by saying that black women are queens or some shit.
So...
"That's another thing that pisses me off. All these men saying they respect women and treasure women and in the same sentence degrade them. It has become so natural to be prejudice against women people aren't even conscious of doing it."
Then he tried to correct himself by saying "most"
So....
"I think by even saying "most blacks" this or "most blacks" that you are still victim blaming; it is also focusing on a symptom of a much larger, much more dangerous problem. It IS the government. It IS the education system. It IS the culture. The media. The society. The very way we are brought up to think. It is all that. Internalized ... See Moreracism is so deeply embedded into our psyches that we don't even realize it's there. Whites don't have to openly oppress people of color anymore because we so openly and willingly do it to ourselves--especially by using statements like "most blacks blahblahblah, but not me."
Let me try to break this down category by category.
It is the government's fault because in the past the government aided IN the oppression of people of color and has done little in the present to make up for that. Then when they DO establish programs and resources to make amends for that fact, such as HEOP, EOP, and other such programs, they ABANDON THEM and neglect them in favor of putting their money towards war; killing over creating, wealth over human prosperity.
In addition to that the government does little to close the economic gap between the rich and the poor. In fact, it's support of big business over the small timers aids in the increasing separation of financial classes; the rich just keep getting richer and the poor just keep getting poorer.
It is the education system's fault because they know people are going to slip through the cracks yet they allow it, deeming those that are studious and accomplished "worthy," and anyone who fails losers, failures, worthless. The entire education system as a whole from K - College is in desperate need of revamping. Time and time again the methods of teaching that are used in schools are proven obsolete and ineffective yet they are used anyway. Why?
Everyone knows the education system is an utter failure. It doesn't take much for the everyday person to see it, so why can't the government see it? Why can't the high ups see it? The answer is that they DO. They know it doesn't work and they set us up for failure.
The sad honest truth is that they WANT us to stay dumb. This is the way it has been throughout history. The uneducated are easy to rule over, to control, the educated and opinionated--not so much. This goes back to my argument over power and shutting down the confident black woman. The gov doesn't want to deal with people who can think critically, analyze situations, and formulate their own opinions. They just want to play the role of herder, while we act as the sheep.
Many men of color start college, but few actually finish it. Whereas the number of women attending and completing college increases every year. So maybe someone would like to retract that little comment about "most" black women not wanting to get educated and better themselves, HMM?
It is ESPECIALLY the media's fault because it brainwashes us daily with blatant racist material. Think about it. How many ways are white people portrayed? How many different personalities can they have? Appearances can they have? Positions can they have? Indeed, there is no one representation of whites. There is no white caricature. Now look at the representation of blacks and other minorities. How many different ways do they get portrayed? How many different personality types do they have? How often are they perpetuated is ignorant, uneducated, short tempered, aggressive, on the outskirts, of the law, and the butt of jokes that undermine their intelligence? I tell you it's more often than whites. And we as the audience have learned to accept it because we have been made to believe that that's "just how black people are." Well...if white people aren't just one way, why should we be made to believe that black people are? Why are whites allowed complex multidimensional personalities and lives, while blacks can be summed up in a few sentences?
There is no other word to describe it except as brainwashing. And to make statements like "most blacks" without looking at the situation critically from all angles accept your mental scrubbing.
It's hard to say cut out the media, but I just wish people would be more wary.
It is the people's fault too, but I am not so prepared to really blame them because--how could you teach yourself something you yourself have never learned? So this is tough ground to tread on. It is certainly the fault of the educated who turn their noses on their people and their communities once they get out rather than go back and educate others. We are at war. Not many people realize this, but we are at war. Our minds, our future's, our children's futures--all of this is at stake. We must band together. We must fight together. Like I said before, stop blaming each other. Saying the problem is someone else's and separating yourself apart from it you are setting yourself, and others like you, up for failure. WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER. WE HAVE TO. Nobody puts blacks down better than other blacks! The fact that black men refuse black women is HARD EVIDENCE of this fact! WHY? Blacks are only hurting themselves by doing this. Only exposing their own self hatred and prejudices. Only dooming themselves. I said it before and I'll say it again; united we stand, divided we fall. Stop turning your back on your people. Stop judging them. Accept them as you wish to be accepted. We need to lift our people up, not knock them down further. This dog-eat-dog mentality plagues and kills the black community. The black community needs to learn to be just that--A COMMUNITY, a union of people who care about and support each other!
There is absolutely NO justification for black men to disregard and degrade black women. NONE. NEVER. It's hypocritical to want to fight for equality and then turn around and oppress someone else. It's pure bullshit plane and simple and, though I may have grudgingly tolerated in the past when I was young and stupid, I can never and well never accept it ever again.
I may have jested before about races mixing, but I mean it seriously. Black women. If you are unhappy you should never have to settle for someone just because they are available and your race. You doom yourself to a sad future. You're worth more and if a man can't understand that (not just a black man, any man), then look for someone better. There are men of worth out there, you just need to look with colorblind eyes. There are men out there who don't just SAY they respect women and SAY that women are worth more, their thoughts and actions follow through with every statement. It's hard to distinguish those that "say" from those that "do," but they're there.
Try not to a let events from the past or prejudices bitter your judgment though. Have faith in people. Trust a little. Give people a chance. You will get hurt, true, but you will also allow yourself the chance to find true love.
Hiding, hating, guarding yourself, that's easy--especially if you've been hurt before. But going out there, trusting, loving, letting go--that's hard. Be strong. Everything worth having in life calls for a fight.
And I know good men exist because I have one of the best ♥ XD"
I'd like to add a little disclaimer. I, to, make the mistake of overgeneralizing in this debate. The issues addressed, I believe, have more to do with privilege and socio-economic status than they do to race. I also admit that in the heat of the moment I played a little tit-for-tat about black men and black women.
I am actually a very big advocate for the rights of men of colour as well.
As I mentioned this issue isn't it's own problem.. It's a symptom of a greater more deadly problem.
The risk you take crossing the border.
The thought of you kills me every time you come to mind.
I long for you still, why? There is nothing you can offer me--or really, have ever offered me, yet I long for you still. I guess it's because you were my friend. You were my friend back when I felt like I didn't have any. You called yourself my "best friend." We were only supposed to be friends--but you're the one who wanted more! If I had known that crossing that line would do to us what it has done--would put us in the place we are now, I would have fought harder at the border.
We could have been friends.
We could have been best friends.
But now...
I HATE you.
I hate you because I miss you.
I long for you still, why? There is nothing you can offer me--or really, have ever offered me, yet I long for you still. I guess it's because you were my friend. You were my friend back when I felt like I didn't have any. You called yourself my "best friend." We were only supposed to be friends--but you're the one who wanted more! If I had known that crossing that line would do to us what it has done--would put us in the place we are now, I would have fought harder at the border.
We could have been friends.
We could have been best friends.
But now...
I HATE you.
I hate you because I miss you.
REAL LIFE ADVICE: Boys and Self Esteem
The following piece is a bit of real life advice I gave to someone. For their own anonymity and protection I have taken out their name and rewritten their letter to me (as well as gave them one of those little names you read in advice columns and stuff in magazines :P).
Dear Sam,
I hate the person I have become. I try very hard to stay confident and happy, but most of the time it just feels like I am pretending so no one will see how hurt I am. It seems the harder I try to build up my self esteem, the more self conscious I become!
What's worse is this boy that I used to like doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore! I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him, but all he's done is taken me for granted. I just want to forget him and erase him from my life, but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.
Please help,
WhereIsTheOldMe
Dear WhereIsTheOldMe,
First I'd like to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I don't know if that helps at all, but you are not alone! The way you are feeling is natural and just about every person, especially women, that I have spoken to go through this at some point in their lives. I've only recently been able to get over these feelings of inadequacy and, admittedly, sometimes I still relapse. Factoring boys into the equation makes things more difficult. I could tell you to just forget him, but if things were that easy you would have a long time ago wouldn't you?
I wish I could tell you a quick and easy way to get over this, but this is a challenge from God. In life only the strong survive. So now you must ask yourself; are you weak or are you strong? If you are weak you can let these feelings overwhelm and devour you until there is nothing left of you. If you are strong you can fight against them! It isn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
So how do you fight? You start to change your way of thinking. For example, instead of wondering what is wrong with you because that boy doesn't like you ask yourself what is wrong with HIM. Get conceited! You are a beautiful, talented, caring young woman whose future is bright. What reject wouldn't want to be with you? What a loser! It's his lose, not yours. There is NOTHING he can offer you that you can't get better somewhere else. You are better than him simply because you know how to connect and care for people. He is inept, incapable of basic human courtesy and he'll suffer for it later. This may sound bad but make a mental list of all the ways you're better than him and you might start to feel better. You'll still think about him, but at least when you do you'll just think about how stupid he is for not realizing how amazing you are!
Aside from that you need to extinguish the negativity that has let loose in your mind. Combat these negative images with a whole list of positive attributes about yourself. Sit down for awhile and on a sheet of paper list 100 things that make you an amazing person. Don't be shy or humble, write it all down. It will be difficult, you may breakdown. I had to do this for myself (thanks to my Prof) and it was very challenging, but you can do it. Fill up this list and inte
rnalize it and every time you are feeling bad, look at it again and even add to it. These positive attributes are your soldiers to fight the darkness. When you think about them and believe in them you give them the strength they need to fight. If you feel the need to stop or feel like you can't do this, fight against those dark feelings. Those feelings of inadequacy are trying to control you. You're right, it's not you, it's a dark evil force trying to control your mind--don't let it win!
You have friends and family members that love you. Hold them. Don't be shy. If you don't want to share how you're feeling with them, that's fine. But tell them that you love them and you will find that regardless of what you may think about yourself, they love and will always love you, too.
Hope this helps,
Sam
Dear Sam,
I hate the person I have become. I try very hard to stay confident and happy, but most of the time it just feels like I am pretending so no one will see how hurt I am. It seems the harder I try to build up my self esteem, the more self conscious I become!
What's worse is this boy that I used to like doesn't even acknowledge my existence anymore! I have put so much time and effort into making things work with him, but all he's done is taken me for granted. I just want to forget him and erase him from my life, but I can't. I don't know what to do anymore.
Please help,
WhereIsTheOldMe
Dear WhereIsTheOldMe,
First I'd like to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I don't know if that helps at all, but you are not alone! The way you are feeling is natural and just about every person, especially women, that I have spoken to go through this at some point in their lives. I've only recently been able to get over these feelings of inadequacy and, admittedly, sometimes I still relapse. Factoring boys into the equation makes things more difficult. I could tell you to just forget him, but if things were that easy you would have a long time ago wouldn't you?
I wish I could tell you a quick and easy way to get over this, but this is a challenge from God. In life only the strong survive. So now you must ask yourself; are you weak or are you strong? If you are weak you can let these feelings overwhelm and devour you until there is nothing left of you. If you are strong you can fight against them! It isn't easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
So how do you fight? You start to change your way of thinking. For example, instead of wondering what is wrong with you because that boy doesn't like you ask yourself what is wrong with HIM. Get conceited! You are a beautiful, talented, caring young woman whose future is bright. What reject wouldn't want to be with you? What a loser! It's his lose, not yours. There is NOTHING he can offer you that you can't get better somewhere else. You are better than him simply because you know how to connect and care for people. He is inept, incapable of basic human courtesy and he'll suffer for it later. This may sound bad but make a mental list of all the ways you're better than him and you might start to feel better. You'll still think about him, but at least when you do you'll just think about how stupid he is for not realizing how amazing you are!
Aside from that you need to extinguish the negativity that has let loose in your mind. Combat these negative images with a whole list of positive attributes about yourself. Sit down for awhile and on a sheet of paper list 100 things that make you an amazing person. Don't be shy or humble, write it all down. It will be difficult, you may breakdown. I had to do this for myself (thanks to my Prof) and it was very challenging, but you can do it. Fill up this list and inte
rnalize it and every time you are feeling bad, look at it again and even add to it. These positive attributes are your soldiers to fight the darkness. When you think about them and believe in them you give them the strength they need to fight. If you feel the need to stop or feel like you can't do this, fight against those dark feelings. Those feelings of inadequacy are trying to control you. You're right, it's not you, it's a dark evil force trying to control your mind--don't let it win!
You have friends and family members that love you. Hold them. Don't be shy. If you don't want to share how you're feeling with them, that's fine. But tell them that you love them and you will find that regardless of what you may think about yourself, they love and will always love you, too.
Hope this helps,
Sam
The Cruelty of Photographs
In a way pictures are cruel. They make us realize how little we appreciate the important things in life; they remind us of those we have lost and all the things we once were and never will be again. Memories are erased in our mind to ease pain. Pictures assure us that the pain will always remain.
I am strong.
The fact that it is easier to hate than it is to love only provides evidence to love's incomprehensible power. Only the STRONG are capable of LOVING. I am learning to be stronger everyday.
Finish the Race
When it seems like you can't take it anymore and you're ready to give up, that's when you need to push your hardest to make it through. Giving up now would be like seeing the finish line and deciding not to finish the race. I'm almost there, I just need to keep telling myself I'm almost there.
Excess Baggage
It's amazing what wonders one is able to behold in life when they are not weighed down by excess baggage.
Amputation
Letting go of someone or something close to you is like having a grossly infected finger, or toe, or even a whole limb. You can't imagine what your life will be like without it, but it's now harmful to you. If you don't amputate you risk further infection. So, you must cut it off and relearn how to live your life, entirely, without it.
The Hunters (Poem)
Men such as these are not to be feared but to be cautious of
They only care about numbers and beautiful women,
and especially beautiful women in numbers
They take pride in turning woman against woman
and are pleased when they can turn woman against herself--
though they will act naive to the game
These men are hunters
but women, we are panthers--
so bite off their heads before they shoot
They only care about numbers and beautiful women,
and especially beautiful women in numbers
They take pride in turning woman against woman
and are pleased when they can turn woman against herself--
though they will act naive to the game
These men are hunters
but women, we are panthers--
so bite off their heads before they shoot
Re-vamp and some updatey stuff
So after abandoning this place for some time, I've decided to come back to it and do some revamping and stuff.
After doing my senior project (which you could see in part on my YouTube page--I will also provide a link to the "final" product for my portfolio later), I realized I feel waaaaaaay more comfortable writing about things than I do about speaking them on the spot. I am also able to express myself and reflect with greater ease :)
Doing some of the YouTube videos helped me relieve a lot of stress, but overall--they just weren't my thing quite honestly.
I think I'm just a born blogger.
So, I've decided to get back in to the habit of blogging (something I was very fond of doing when I was younger)
This will make my page a bit more personal and less professional, but I don't really care since I haven't been doing anything with this anyway.
Sooooo since I've decided to do this I've added two new sections; "Advice," and "Bitch Blog."
Let me explain!
Advice - I'm quite often asked about advice on life and love and stuff like that--and I find that a lot of the time people ask me the same questions or they'll ask me things I think other people worry about too. So in this section I would like to collect all the advice I've given that I am fond of (at least what I can retrieve) and re-post it here. (I'll keep the identities of those I was speaking to anonymous of course)
Readers (if there are any in the future) will be welcome to write me and ask questions.
Bitch Blog - I am guilty of loving those ranting raving YouTube videos that complain about stuff and point out all this crazy shit, because frankly it's mostly true. I have been pretty guilty of going off on these (often mean) little rants, myself. As I said before, I am just not a YouTube personality--but blog bitching I can do ;) So, that's where all of that delightful stuff will go.
I don't know what the future will hold for this place but we'll see. :) If nothing comes of it, at least I have a place to vent XD
After doing my senior project (which you could see in part on my YouTube page--I will also provide a link to the "final" product for my portfolio later), I realized I feel waaaaaaay more comfortable writing about things than I do about speaking them on the spot. I am also able to express myself and reflect with greater ease :)
Doing some of the YouTube videos helped me relieve a lot of stress, but overall--they just weren't my thing quite honestly.
I think I'm just a born blogger.
So, I've decided to get back in to the habit of blogging (something I was very fond of doing when I was younger)
This will make my page a bit more personal and less professional, but I don't really care since I haven't been doing anything with this anyway.
Sooooo since I've decided to do this I've added two new sections; "Advice," and "Bitch Blog."
Let me explain!
Advice - I'm quite often asked about advice on life and love and stuff like that--and I find that a lot of the time people ask me the same questions or they'll ask me things I think other people worry about too. So in this section I would like to collect all the advice I've given that I am fond of (at least what I can retrieve) and re-post it here. (I'll keep the identities of those I was speaking to anonymous of course)
Readers (if there are any in the future) will be welcome to write me and ask questions.
Bitch Blog - I am guilty of loving those ranting raving YouTube videos that complain about stuff and point out all this crazy shit, because frankly it's mostly true. I have been pretty guilty of going off on these (often mean) little rants, myself. As I said before, I am just not a YouTube personality--but blog bitching I can do ;) So, that's where all of that delightful stuff will go.
I don't know what the future will hold for this place but we'll see. :) If nothing comes of it, at least I have a place to vent XD
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