Sometimes, I sit and wonder what my life would be like if I had done things differently.
I don't have many regrets but one regret I can't seem to shake is dating this abusive guy in college. I feel like, because of him, I was never able to really enjoy the college experience the way that most of my peers have. And now that I'm a parent I know I'll never know what it's like to live that carefree lifestyle.
My experience has really affected the advice I give to people when they talk to me. I tend to tell my friends run away, have fun, don't commit to anyone, don't let anyone change you, don't give second chances. Not because I did that, but because that's what I wish I had done. Now I realize though, isn't that all advice is? The choices you wished you made?
I don't know. I've been wondering a lot about where I'd done things the way I wish I did. I can't decide if my life would have been better or not. I certainly wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't have this beautiful son, or loving husband, or loyal friends. My life now is stressful, but generally I am happy, and more confident than I ever been.
All that in mind, I try to tell myself it doesn't matter what my life would be like if things were different. I can't change anything, and even if I could,, this isn't a bad place to be, at all.
I try to tell myself that, but during the train rides back and forth from Poughkeepsie to NYC, and the long hours I spend at home alone--I can't help but wonder; what if...?