Transition...

Just started working again last week. I teach an art class at my mom's organization (www.smartuniversity.org) and I just started working with the advanced computer class. I used to teach basic computer skills, but now they have a teacher for that and need someone to lead the adv. class' project. We're working on an ecookbook. I've never made an ebook before so I'm really excited about the project! It should be a lot of fun. :)

It's been kind of difficult for me to get back into things since Julian has been born. It's taken me a lot longer to adjust than I had originally thought it would. I had hoped by January I'd be super well adjusted and be able to multitask; taking care of him while doing my own thing too. Ha...yeah right.

To be honest, not being able to live up to my expectations has really depressed me. I don't know who I think I'm letting down, but for some reason I feel like not being able to balance taking care of the baby, the house, and doing my work is a major disappointment. When I sit down and think about it...it seems ridiculous for me to feel that way. Afterall, I had only just graduated college when I got pregnant, moved in with my boyfriend, then got engaged, then had the baby, then got married, and now am just starting to work again--while starting a family business and preparing to move. There have been no breaks between any of this and I feel like...seriously...my head is going to explode. Of course, I haven't gotten anything I've wanted to done! I barely have enough spare time to breathe!

Then there are times...

When I just think that I'm just making excuses. Afterall, women have babies everyday don't they? And some have to work and raise those babies all on their own. So who am I to complain when I have as much support as I do?

I don't know.

I try to talk about it to my husband, but he doesn't understand at all. He tries but...eh...let's put it this way. I tell him all this and he says something like "don't worry you'll be able to get a job soon" as if the pressure of finding a decent job in this economy on top of everything else I'm doing is supposed to comfort me somehow. Or he'll say contradictory things like what a good job I'm doing then later follow it up with "you aren't very domestic are you? If I was home with the baby all day I'd cook, clean, and do the laundry!" In. Fur. Iat. Ing. Especially when he hasn't been alone with the baby for more than three hours at a time EVER and he will never know how exhausting it is to breast feed.

*Deep breath*

But that's beside the point.

The point is, as much as I'm enjoying time spent with my little one, I'm ready to start getting back into the old things I used to enjoy too. The problem I'm having is...adapting, I guess. Merging old Sam with new Sam.

All I can do is my very best.

Hindsight is 20/20

Sometimes, I sit and wonder what my life would be like if I had done things differently.

I don't have many regrets but one regret I can't seem to shake is dating this abusive guy in college. I feel like, because of him, I was never able to really enjoy the college experience the way that most of my peers have. And now that I'm a parent I know I'll never know what it's like to live that carefree lifestyle.

My experience has really affected the advice I give to people when they talk to me. I tend to tell my friends run away, have fun, don't commit to anyone, don't let anyone change you, don't give second chances. Not because I did that, but because that's what I wish I had done. Now I realize though, isn't that all advice is? The choices you wished you made?

I don't know. I've been wondering a lot about where I'd done things the way I wish I did. I can't decide if my life would have been better or not. I certainly wouldn't be where I am now. I wouldn't have this beautiful son, or loving husband, or loyal friends. My life now is stressful, but generally I am happy, and more confident than I ever been.

All that in mind, I try to tell myself it doesn't matter what my life would be like if things were different. I can't change anything, and even if I could,, this isn't a bad place to be, at all.

I try to tell myself that, but during the train rides back and forth from Poughkeepsie to NYC, and the long hours I spend at home alone--I can't help but wonder; what if...?

Happy New Year!

How are you all enjoying the new year?

Mine has definitely started off with a bang!

As if having a baby and getting married within 4 months of each other wasn't enough--now my new hubby and I are opening (or rather, he's opening) a barber shop.  Crazy!

Of course, I've agreed to help him out anyway I can (hence the shameless plug).  I'm even working on a wordpress site for him...which is making me kind of jealous...but I stand by my blogger D: ....at least mostly :)

I've been thinking about converting...we'll see...

Anyway. My new year's resolution this year was to work hard and stop procrastinating.  It's been taking me some time to adjust to stay-at-home-mommyhood (and the life changing events that occur every couple of months haven't exactly made it easier), but at last I think I'm starting to get the hang of it...kinda...

In addition to the new business, we're also planning to move fairly soon (I just can't catch a break).  Despite all the chaos, I'm determined to commit to my resolution...

I think I'll start by working on this layout...seeing as how it's no longer summer...and I no longer have a bump, but a baby.  I have a few fun ideas in mind.  Let's see what I come up with :P